Hallmark Stores

So whats the deal with Hallmark stores. I needed to buy a card for a co-worker the other day, not because I liked her or anything like that, but because it is the right thing to do when someone suffers the loss of their cat, due to a drunk driving accident...long story but the cat was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Anyway, I needed to buy fluffy a card. I remember when my mother would force me to go with her to Hallmark while running errands as a child..you see back in the days, people sent cards to each other. Now, I remember when cards were 35 cents. I was shocked to see 30 years later that they cost $5.95 each. Crap, you can send a child to Harvard for less than these cards cost today. And I remember when Hallmark stores were just that, a card store..now they are as big as a super Walmart..they have stuff like gifts and such. I mean personally, I don't even like cards, especially if they don't include a gift card or money inside them, so if your reading this blog, don't ever give or send me one. But I'm here on a mission today, get that card for Fluffy and leave..Well this store is so big that they have sections for all kinds of occasion's...Birthdays, Wedding anniversary's, and even Animal Deaths..yes believe it or not, they had a section for animals that die by drunk drivers..

Sorry for your flat cat, Fluffy felt no pain, were just some of the selections I had to choose from. How will I ever make a decision..This one looks cute I said..it was the kind that opens up and it becomes like you know 3-D. It had a nice white cat kinda before and after look to it..This was the one, I know my friend will enjoy my sentiments with this card.

On the way to the counter, remember this store is the size of a super Walmart, they had Catnip on display. Wow, maybe I should include that with my card and really let her know I feel her pain and loss. So I picked up the catnip and preceded to check out..when the clerk picked up the catnip she asked for my ID. What, "Sir I need to see your ID." Why, I asked? "Because this is a drug and by law you have to be 18 to purchase CATNIP." You mean to tell me that I can go to any high school in Tallahassee and purchase any illegal drug, yet you are carding me to purchase CATNIP? So next time you go to Hallmark, take your ID.

Express Lanes

So whats the deal with express lanes at grocery stores..Are they really express? And what does 10 items or less mean, is this set in stone, or are there exceptions. Now I know that you all look to see which lane is shortest when its time to check out like I do. I imagine that you also look into your basket and decide if you meet the requirements of the EXPRESS LANE. Today I had 10 items exactly or did I...Does this bag of oranges count as one item or 10, does this bag of tomatoes count as two items or one, it clearly should count as one since its in one bag, right. And what about buy one get one for free items..Do they count as one or two items. What the heck, I'm going to the express lane. Well once I laid my items out it sure looked like a lot more than 10 items cause one of the items was a 24 pack of water which took up a lot of room on the belt. I know the lady behind me was counting my items as I continued to unload them. I could see the number chart ticking in her head. Was she about to call me OUT!

And why may I ask do they have those impulse items at the express lane, you know the gum, candy bars etc. Is this only for people that have not meet the max item count of 10. Is this a social experiment I'm part of and don't know it. This is too much to handle I really would like a Almond Joy bar. I wait until the lady behind me looks away and quickly I take that Almond Joy bar and hide it under the bag of oranges...the rush was almost too much to handle. Once it became my turn to be checked out the clerk greeted me and started to scan my items..I held my breath hoping that she wasn't counting items as she scanned, I wouldn't want to be put on the spot and decide which of these items I would have to put back..I really wanted that Almond Joy bar even though it was an impulse buy. I tried to distract her buy asking about her day, I figured she would loose count if she was having a conversation. It seemed to be working, she had just keyed my last item, then...................Sir, would you like to purchase a book of stamps, she asked?

"WHAT, you mean to tell me I just spent 2 minutes worried that I was about to be called out, arrested for breaking the law of express checkout, and you want to know if I want a book of stamps?"

Next time I'm using the express lane even when my buggy is spilling over the top. They don't count the items.

Customer Service

Well, part of my job is handling irate customers only when the two associates I have under me can't solve the problem before it gets to me. So, today started out as a usual day, come in at 9ish, talk with co-workers for an hour or so, fix a pot of coffee, and lunch time has arrived..Well, today after returning from a two hour lunch, I had a message light lit on my phone..Who could that be I asked, it was a client that owns a furniture store...he just got in the mail that terrible Chargeback, the ones when a merchant processes a sale and the cardholder reverses it. So he is not a happy camper today.

Well after getting yelled at for what seemed the rest of my workday, cause I plan on working late and leave around 3:30, I finally took a deep breath and yelled,"NO." Well this wasn't going to go over very well. He told me I could shove that chair we had been talking about right Up MY ASS!!!!

I took another deep breath, and said very politely, Sir, I would but I already have a couch, dinning room set, Living room set, TV, and outdoor furniture up there now from the last couple of times you have called me. I told him if I put that chair up there too, I would have to open my own furniture store to make it fit, and that I don't think he needs the competition since we would be selling the same stuff but mine would be discounted for stained and used furniture.

employee of the month

Okay, so today was my 10 year anniversary where I work. At my five year mark, I received a paper weight. Now this wasn't just your ordinary paper weight..No it was 100% glass, not the crystal kind you see at that store with the fancy box..you know the place. Well today I was presented with a watch for my 10 year mark. Now this wasn't your ordinary watch like you see at that store with the fancy box, no it was 100% plastic. Wow, I can't wait for that gift at 15 years, maybe it will be good enough to re-gift at Xmas time.

Now some places like Home Depot give out employee of the month awards. I personally have never earned that title, I guess I just do enough to get by. However, at Home Depot if you are employee of the month you get a parking space reserved for you for an entire month. Now this isn't just any parking space, we are talking prime real estate. Even better than those spaces for handicap people. I know this since I tried to park in one the other day at Home Depot..I was so excited when I drove down that parking lot lane..O BOY LOOKS LIKE FOUR SPACES RIGHT UP FRONT, my lucky day..But no, all four were reserved for employee of the month..

Now all four of these spaces were empty, I guess part of the package of being selected is a week off also..So what's up, I get a stupid plastic watch, but if I worked at Home Depot I could get a reserved parking place for one entire month + a week off..I'm switching jobs tomorrow..

Publix

Okay whats the deal, today I decided to go to publix and get lunch. I thought, maybe a sub sounds good today. The worker behind the counter said, "may I help you." I gave my order and he put on those plastic disposable gloves. Hopefully this is not because they are afraid to touch the food.

But I think theoretically the people wear gloves so you don't have to worry about any of their germs spreading to your pastrami. It is a considerate thing to do, although you wonder if they started this policy because the entire deli staff tested positive for something. Are they trying to stop an outbreak. It's hard to say.

It is possible that Publix will one day take the next step and make their employees wear surgical masks. Again, on the one hand, that could be reassuring to the customers. After all, gloves are good, but they don't help if the man handling your sub has a drooling disorder.

Kids Table

When I was young, the house my family went to for Thanksgiving had a kids table. One reason it was called this was because the table appeared to have been built by children. It was of the fold-up variety. As a result, although it was easy to store, it had all the stability of a drunken college student.

Not that I expected the kids to get a table like the parents used, one carved from a tree the size of an oil tanker. I just thought we at least deserved something that took into account things like gravity and physics. And since kids aren't known for being gentle, you'd think the parents would have gone out of their way to give us something that could withstand the occasional bump. Instead we had a table that shook after any kind of prolonged staring.

But this could be why the parents went overboard in the area of knife safety. The knives we were given were only slightly sharper than those plastic kid scissors we get in school. Something you give to a guy who has attempted suicide more than 37 times.

I guess with a table constantly on the verge of toppling over, the parents decided it would be best not to have any sharp objects that could get thrown into the air. At this point, though, why not just skip the fake silverware and tell us to cut through the turkey by making sawing motions.

Now, there was no assigned seats at this kids table, however, the oldest child did have first pick. I was the youngest of the kids, so sometimes I was at the corner of the table...I basically had to eat with the corner stabbing me in the chest.

Each Thanksgiving I would stare at that adult table and think, maybe someone will get a divorce and open another spot for one of us kids to move to the adult table...or maybe someone will die soon, they all look old to me. Granny looks like she is on her last days!

But I never made it to the big table...by the time I was old enough and had earned my right to sit at the big table, I was in therapy sessions trying to get over this injustice I had endured.

Farts

OK, so I'm standing in the elevator today at work...There's a guy on my right and a woman to my left. Suddenly the elevator is filled with that unmistakable aroma of fart. OK, it wasn't mine...even though I had chili dogs for lunch. My eyes are watering it's so bad but I can't let the other people know I smell something. So I do my "I just smelled a fart face"...and start to look around...The guy on my right hasn't got a whiff yet so I avoid looking at him to long..I don't want to seem suspicious. I take a glance at the woman and her nose is twitching a bit....I gotta think quick.

At this point my "I just smelled a fart face" is more fact then fiction and I look back at the lady. I can see that the lady is getting a little embarrassed so I'm pretty sure that the heats off me. Is round two coming, the first was a silent killer, but the next one could be nuclear. How much longer is it going to take to get to the ground floor. If my co-worker is reading this post, I hope you feel better!! and next time I'm taking the stairs..

Car Decorating

So whats the deal with car decorating...Okay I understand if you have a physical disability, you hang a blue card with a symbol from your rear-view mirror. If you are mentally disabled, you put multiple stuffed animals in your rear window.

Today, I saw a lady driving with at least 15 in her back window, enough for you to consider her car a kind of pretend zoo. With that many stuffed animals, you're not as much decorating as alerting the public that you shouldn't be allowed to handle sharp objects. So did she start with one and thought I'm on to something..can't wait to get some more and just couldn't stop..Did she run out of room and they are in her trunk also..does she feed them..Does she have a litter box in the back seat. Don't you know her grandchildren are so embarrassed when granny comes to take them to McDonald's.

Portable potty

So whats the deal with Portable potties, you know the ones at ball fields and construction sites... Have you ever used one? This was a great invention..must have been thought of by a man. If a women had created it, they would be pink and not blue, they would have flowers planted around them and smell nice. But no we don't need accessories, we just need to get the job done. Have you ever driven by a job site and seen someone coming in or out of one..Now I know if you did you had to think, gee did he just go number 1 or 2..didn't ya. I learned a big lesson last year when my son played flag football and had to use one..open the door, hold your breath and get the job done. Did you ever think, gez where does that stuff go that I just left in there..is there a hole, do they use it to get that field so green, who is that poor guy that has to come pick it up when its completed its use..

I think next year I will go to CVS and purchase some of those depends..it sure worked for that astronaut lady..

Self Checkouts

So whats the deal, I just went to Home Depot and I was encouraged by a worker to use self checkout..okay let me get this straight...I'm supposed to check myself out, pay and leave...Didn't I just see on Fox news just last night that we have a shortage of jobs, no wonder if all the jobs are being replaced with self checkouts...so due to the fact that no one was using them, (should have been my first clue), I decided to give it a try.

Well let me tell you if you have never used them before, they need a warning sign posted that states, Graduate Degree required. First you have to read the directions, then attempt to scan the items, (O yea this is really fast), then you get to try to pay...but don't use cash not allowed.
So it was obvious to the one full time worker, thanks home depot for supporting workers, that I needed help...She basically took over and helped me get the hell out of the store...So next time I see a Self Checkout and debate about going over to one, I will quickly be reminded that I don't have a Graduate Degree.

People Watching

I'm addicted to people watching and a firm believer that if you leave the house thinking you look good, you are fair game for ridicule. Now, i don't ridicule people to their faces or anything so rude, but I will point you out to my companions. I do have rules. You can't make fun of things people can't change or over which they have no control, like harelips or other such things. If I think you looked in the mirror before you left the house and thought to yourself, "I look good." Then I reserve the right to say, "uh, no you don't." Just, again, not to your face. If you wear this outfit in public, you totally deserve to be made fun of. I do draw the line at people who have obviously just run out of the house for a quick trip to the grocery store in their curlers or sweats, because they didn't look in the mirror (theoretically) and admire themselves. They probably made sure that nothing was hanging out that shouldn't and ran.

Now there is a exception to this rule...where all rules are thrown out the window...TARGET during college back to school. O MY GOD, I find reasons to visit Target everyday for two weeks straight...Love me some sorority girls..

So see ya at Target!

Sleeping with the Enemy

Since you all know that I'm a late owl that means my wife is always sound asleep when I go to bed...Well lately she has been saying the strangest things when I get into the bed...Like last night she said,"It sure is nice to sleep in our own bed". Whats that, like we just got back from a weeks trip to San Francisco? And the night before she said "honey is that you"? Like nooooo, who do you think it is...was she dreaming of Fabio and I woke her up just as he was about to brush against her breast...was she really hoping it was the bug man...should I be worried??
And then just the night before that, she said "are you just now coming to bed". Yea Honey I guess it seems late since you just spent two hours dreaming of Fabio again...

Run when you hear these words from your wife

Honey

That means get your wallet out

Five more Minutes

That means take a nap she is going to take another hour to get ready

Whatever

Oh she is really mad/get ready to spend the night in the doghouse

I Don't Care

This means she is leaving the decision to you but believe me she has an opinion

Doesn't matter

Don't fall for this one, it does matter

Your on my last nerve

You not only have screwed up once but you continue to say the wrong thing

Baby

Get the power tools out she has a project

Sweetie

Your mother in law is coming to dinner

Do you have plans this weekend

This means she does so plan on cancelling any you had

Do you mind?

She is leaving you with the kids and she is going to the movies and dinner with the girls

I was wondering?

This is the time you start thinking of the good old college days when marriage was far from your thoughts

Are you going outside?

Go ahead and get the garbage-Like you don't know by now what that line means.

Are you coming straight home?

You are about to go to Publix like it or not

Polka dot is invading my life

Okay as you all know my wife Kim has a tendency to take things a little too far. Well somehow she was shopping and thought, "Wow those Pink Polka dot Pajamas will look good on me"..no need to try them on cause they are so darn cute. She was sold....no buyers remorse here!!!!
What she fails to understand is that when your 45 years old like me and you need all the help you can get, not 18 ANYMORE, those Minnie Mouse jams are not such a good idea. Lets see here, all men have a fantasy to make out with Minnie Mouse..NOT

Now I find myself unable to work, eat or concentrate. I watch the clock; I figure out the fastest route home using map quest...Don't get in my way its five o'clock. The whole way home I'm just hoping that their not lying on the laundry floor, that she did laundry today, cause hubby will be ready to attack his little Minnie Mouse as soon as I walk into the magic kingdom (bedroom).

So come on girls, especially Cindy...next girls weekend take her to Victoria's Secret please. I beg of you!!!

My top favorite foods

corn dogs
Candy apples
Lobster
Disney world popcorn
starbucks coffee
fudge brownies with bluebell icecream
Little Debbies swiss rolls
Whataburger
Pizza Hut Thin and Crispy light on the sauce
Shrimp

Why do they exist

bugs
periods (believe me its no fun for the guy either)
dirty cars
Democrats
girls weekends (god forbid a guy wants to go fishing)
poodles
recycle bins
commercials
I-75
vegetarian's

Top Ten passe items

Vera Bradley
personalized license plates
cell phone covers
Scrapbooking
salsa
plastic surgery
outdoor flags
blow-up yard santas
Blockbusters
Michaels

Oprah's Must Haves.......

My list of must haves for 2007

Ipod
Kiel's Facial Fuel
Polo 67 Chino shorts
Target $9.99 heavyweight white T-Shirts
Honda self-propelled lawnmower
42" or larger Plasma TV
Down Pillow and Feather Bed
Laptop/wireless card
Hummer

Tagged

Lori you have been tagged.

Name all the famous people you have encountered

Lester Holt (Today Show)
Jimmy Carter (Atlanta)
Elton John (A&P Atlanta)
Adrianne Barboe (elevator Omni Atlanta, Maude tv show)
Kenny Rodgers (casino Las Vegas)
Summer Sanders (Olympic Swimmer, had to pick her up when I worked at Sportstown)
Dolly Parton (Dollywood)
Eric Estrada (Chips, airport LA)
Cinderalla (disney world)
Jim Baker (Gatlingburg)
Cher (restaurant, Tampa)
Celine Dion (Ceasers, walking around)
Kate Spade (convention)
Pee wee herman (airport, Atlanta)
Bo Derrick (Mall)
Michael Jackson (Mirage Las Vegas)